A Familiar Face

You ever see someone who looks a lot like someone else you know? How about them looking like someone you know who’s no longer in this plane of existence?

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Contingent Contemplation: Philophobia

I haven’t done one of these contingent contemplation posts in a while.

Philophobia is a thing I have. I don’t understand why it’s not a part of everyone.

Philophobia is the fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in or falling in love.

It’s a scary thing isn’t it? When you fall in love, you’re committing your emotions to someone. Everything that that person does will come to emotionally affect you, whether it’s big or small.

My family are people who I love, though I didn’t choose it I guess. But you can very much say that I also have a fear of emotional attachment to them. The thought of losing loved ones is never fun, and I sometimes wonder why I’m given a family, only to have them taken away from me some day down the road. But at the same time, that fear of love gets dispelled when you manage to forget the mortality of things and realize that although other people come and go, luckily enough, my family is here to stay. They’re here for me and love me unconditionally. I cannot help but do the same.

A few years ago I decided to get a pet. It was against my dad’s wishes, and I didn’t have the guts to tell him about the hamster I had bought. Then as I carried the little thing in a paper bag with her new cage at my side, I realized there’s no way I can keep this a secret. Our Hong Kong apartment was only so big, and my hamster will not go noticed. I phoned my dad, telling him of my purchase, hoping that telling him via the phone would lessen the shouting. Funnily enough, he didn’t shout. He wasn’t the happiest, and he worried about the hamster ruining our hygiene (I’m so sure that a 17 gram little hamster will bring the plague to our family. On second though, plagues were started by rats. Hmm.). A few months later, the hamster’s picture would replace my baby picture that he kept as his phone’s lock screen.

My hamster is probably the first and last pet I will ever get. Allergies aside, her passing away impacted me a lot. It’s weird, because I had willingly given my heart to her. And she took that little bit to the grave when she passed away two years later. I realized that I could never be brave enough to get that dog I’ve always wanted. My issue wasn’t with taking care of pets, but with their ultimate departure after you’ve committed to loving them.

Philophobia has followed me into relationships. All my prior relationships consisted of me keeping the guy some distance away. I wasn’t willing to get too involved emotionally, fearing that I will get the worst out of it. I over-think everything, and try to base my decisions on what will hurt me the least in the long run. It just wasn’t worth it to take the risk and ultimately feel the pain. That’s probably why none of them worked out because I always choose to end it, fearing developing the relationship any further.

But here I am, having fallen in love with a guy, and it’s funny because I don’t think I willingly choose to either. I think it probably has something to do with the whole “you’ll know it’s right when it’s right” thing because you can’t help it. Philophobia makes itself more known to me every day because I’ve let myself fall in love. He’s doing his best, but I’m not the most confident of myself relationship-wise. At times, you wonder if they like you just as much as you like them only to realize you can’t gauge that. So you go on to look for signs that can tell you, only to falter at points of doubt. You think of all the ways and reasons you can lose him. Then you let the fear ruin you.

Philophobia sucks. You’re unsure of your next steps, but at the same time you want to take them. And it almost feels like every step further, you feel yourself wanting to pull back because you know it’ll hurt if it goes wrong. But for the first time, I think it’ll be worth it. I just need to get Philophobia out of the picture.

Valentine’s is a scam

…So we decided to just stay home, make our own food, and watch movies for the day. I mean calling a day “Valentine’s Day” and then making it so that restaurants can charge a LOT for a meal, and everyone can capitalize on branding something as “Valentine’s” themed is a scam. But I still believe that setting a day aside for your loved ones, whether for a significant other, or even just for your friends or family, is still important. So I’m all about the idea of Valentine’s Day!

I remember last year, I spent $60ish on a Valentine’s meal and although I did get pretty good food (salmon, steak, scallops etc.) it’s so much cheaper to do it yourself. So instead of a couple spending $120 collectively on a meal, this year, me and the bf spent around $45 instead! wpid-received_10155327540990643.jpeg Our Valentine’s dinner was quite reminiscent of our first time we cooked together back when we first started dating. Steak and potatoes, except we also threw in lobster tails this time to be fancy. And then minus-ed the veggies. We also spent a good chunk of time trying to make macarons…which didn’t quite work out.

We tried.

We tried.

We stayed in bed till almost 5PM. We cooked till 11PM. He made me watch Groundhog Day, I made him watch Music and Lyrics. There was hot chocolate. It was the best Valentine’s Day I’ve ever had 🙂wpid-20150214_235118-1.jpg – Karen

Moving adventures– yeah, it was pretty touching.

Hey all!

So my family and I recently moved into a new house. And that’s when I realized something: moving is an awesome family bonding experience.

My dad insists on doing the move ourselves instead of hiring movers. I was alright with the plan until I realized that “ourselves” meant him and I, because really, my sister can barely lift her own backpack and my mom is the kind that would want to help, but is usually told to sit down two minutes later.

We started off in the afternoon, and went into the night. And by night, I mean 5:00 AM. My dad and I would load and unload the rented U-haul truck, and then my mom and sister were assigned to cleaning up the house itself. There was a lot of “HEY! OPEN THE DOOR! THIS IS REALLY REALLY HEAVY.” and other frustrated complaints. But then you get to around 2 in the morning, and you’re ridiculously grateful when your sister or mom grabs a heavy box from you to lend a hand. And then the family sits down for food at 3AM, consisting of a bag of bacon, microwaved corn and spring onion pancakes. I haven’t seen my parents eat bacon in years, so watching my dad gobble up a bowl was eye opening.

Now, my family isn’t the closest of families. I mean, yeah, we eat together, we watch TV together sometimes, but when it comes to getting out of the house and actually doing something together, that’s rare. And the move forced us to physically work with one another, and it was sort of beautiful to see. We really were pushed to our limits, and ached for days afterwards. But we did it.

A portion of the living room turned into a storage area

A portion of the living room turned into a temporary storage area.

It’s been a little more than a month since we’ve moved, but there’s been a lot of improvising. I’m taking the basement, which needs a complete renovation, and my parents told me to take their room for now. Which means they moved their bed to the living room. It’s actually amazing having a bed in the living room, and more often than not, I end up watching TV on the bed instead of the couches.

Since I’ll be getting the basement mostly to myself, I also get to decide on how I want to decorate my living room! I’m thinking of making it into a woman cave, but I’m still trying to get ideas on how I want it to look. But I get a blank canvas to work with and I can’t wait!

So if you’re looking for a good bonding experience, I’d suggest moving. But then again, it could have gone the other way and ended in disaster. So maybe everyone should stick to laser tagging.

– Karen