This is a rant.
Tag: Family
Contingent Contemplation: Philophobia
I haven’t done one of these contingent contemplation posts in a while.
Philophobia is a thing I have. I don’t understand why it’s not a part of everyone.
Philophobia is the fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in or falling in love.
It’s a scary thing isn’t it? When you fall in love, you’re committing your emotions to someone. Everything that that person does will come to emotionally affect you, whether it’s big or small.
My family are people who I love, though I didn’t choose it I guess. But you can very much say that I also have a fear of emotional attachment to them. The thought of losing loved ones is never fun, and I sometimes wonder why I’m given a family, only to have them taken away from me some day down the road. But at the same time, that fear of love gets dispelled when you manage to forget the mortality of things and realize that although other people come and go, luckily enough, my family is here to stay. They’re here for me and love me unconditionally. I cannot help but do the same.
A few years ago I decided to get a pet. It was against my dad’s wishes, and I didn’t have the guts to tell him about the hamster I had bought. Then as I carried the little thing in a paper bag with her new cage at my side, I realized there’s no way I can keep this a secret. Our Hong Kong apartment was only so big, and my hamster will not go noticed. I phoned my dad, telling him of my purchase, hoping that telling him via the phone would lessen the shouting. Funnily enough, he didn’t shout. He wasn’t the happiest, and he worried about the hamster ruining our hygiene (I’m so sure that a 17 gram little hamster will bring the plague to our family. On second though, plagues were started by rats. Hmm.). A few months later, the hamster’s picture would replace my baby picture that he kept as his phone’s lock screen.
My hamster is probably the first and last pet I will ever get. Allergies aside, her passing away impacted me a lot. It’s weird, because I had willingly given my heart to her. And she took that little bit to the grave when she passed away two years later. I realized that I could never be brave enough to get that dog I’ve always wanted. My issue wasn’t with taking care of pets, but with their ultimate departure after you’ve committed to loving them.
Philophobia has followed me into relationships. All my prior relationships consisted of me keeping the guy some distance away. I wasn’t willing to get too involved emotionally, fearing that I will get the worst out of it. I over-think everything, and try to base my decisions on what will hurt me the least in the long run. It just wasn’t worth it to take the risk and ultimately feel the pain. That’s probably why none of them worked out because I always choose to end it, fearing developing the relationship any further.
But here I am, having fallen in love with a guy, and it’s funny because I don’t think I willingly choose to either. I think it probably has something to do with the whole “you’ll know it’s right when it’s right” thing because you can’t help it. Philophobia makes itself more known to me every day because I’ve let myself fall in love. He’s doing his best, but I’m not the most confident of myself relationship-wise. At times, you wonder if they like you just as much as you like them only to realize you can’t gauge that. So you go on to look for signs that can tell you, only to falter at points of doubt. You think of all the ways and reasons you can lose him. Then you let the fear ruin you.
Philophobia sucks. You’re unsure of your next steps, but at the same time you want to take them. And it almost feels like every step further, you feel yourself wanting to pull back because you know it’ll hurt if it goes wrong. But for the first time, I think it’ll be worth it. I just need to get Philophobia out of the picture.
San Fran Fam Jam!
Hello all,
This is definitely a late post, but three weeks ago I went to San Francisco with my family! Although San Fran is quite close to Vancouver (well. comparatively.), it was my first time there.
The sun was out during our whole trip, which was nice when we got to San Fran, but not so nice as we road tripped by California. I had forgotten how hot it can get out there.
We did a bunch of touristy things such as visit Fisherman’s Wharf, including having a bread bowl of chowder. Apparently it’s considered a tourist trap, but I still went for it and it was good. The seagulls there must be pretty happy with all the people who throw unwanted pieces of bread to them after they’re down with their chowder!
http://instagram.com/p/sHQhRzTcXN/?modal=true
I had wanted to go to Alcatraz too, but the tour was all sold out for the weekend that we were going. Instead we decided it was only right if we visited a museum or something to properly play the part of a tourist so we went to Ripley’s! Ripley’s Believe it or Not books were such a big part of my childhood it was cool to see their displays in person.
I must say that one of my favourite parts of San Fan was Chinatown. We came back three times over the course of three days for food. Something I found special was their dim sum. They sold them in stores and unlike everywhere else I’ve been in most parts of the world, you didn’t sit down in a restaurant to enjoy them. They’re packed up in a takeaway box and you eat it wherever you please. The dim sum places didn’t even have tables or chairs for you to sit, so that option was non existent.
Chinatown was so authentic in San Francisco. If I don’t think about it too hard, it almost made me feel like I was back in Hong Kong. The mannerisms of people there, the language, the things they sold. Of course, there’s a lot of western influence intertwined but it didn’t make it any less authentic.
My sister got me really hyped up for Ghirardelli’s factory, but when we ordered an ice-cream sundae there, it tasted like poop. Well, that’s a little harsh, but it definitely wasn’t worth the $11. I’ve had better chocolate (literally anywhere else).
Our trip to Union Square was not eventful. It looked like a typical downtown region of any city, but the weather was really nice while we were there.
ALSO, I never knew Japan towns existed. Chinatowns? Sure, everywhere. But San Francisco’s Japan Town was quite cool. They had so many geek wares there that I was trying not to freak out.
We lived a little ways outside of San Francisco, since we wanted a nice hotel that wasn’t overly expensive. I’d highly recommend everyone do the same since all the nice hotels cost a pretty penny inside the city. In the end we chose a hotel in San Mateo, which was close enough. We’d drive for about 20 minutes to get back to the city each morning, but that was no hassle with a car.
I wonder when I’ll have another family trip. This trip reminded so much of what it was like to be on holiday with my family, especially since it was a road trip. The past few family vacations always lacked a member or two — my parents and sister went to Vegas without me; my mom, sister and I went to Hong Kong/Japan sans my dad. You get the story. But family time really is the best 🙂
– Karen
Being grandparent-less
Hey all,
So I was going through some pictures from my recent trip back to Hong Kong and the strangest realization struck me. To be honest, this wasn’t the first time this happened to me. I came across a picture of my cousins and I with my grandma. And I sit there thinking “Aw, that was nice, I really have to meet up with my grams more frequently next time I go back to HK.” But then I suddenly realized that she passed away last month.
It’s felt surreal, and it still seems like she never died. The same thing happened to me in HK when I walked into my cousin’s apartment. I saw the black and white photographs on the red Chinese offering altar of my grandparents (on my mom’s side), as well as one of my aunts, and realized that all these people were no longer with us. Standing there, I felt sadness wash over me again. I couldn’t help but relive the moments of when I first found out they had passed away.
It may have to do with the fact that I’m all the way on the other side of the world, but you would think that one would remember that they are now grandparent-less. However, I think it’s amazing that I have managed to forget about their passing. My interactions with them in the past, and how unique they are help me to keep them alive in memory. I guess with time, their image will fade, but in the meantime, I just wish that this could happen without getting me all depressed.
While we’re on the subject of my grandma’s death, I really must bring up how my dad said goodbye to her. He couldn’t make it back to Hong Kong in time, so instead, his brothers and sisters set up a Skype call for the two of them in her dying moments. Now I’m not saying that a Skype call is at all the equivalent of being there, but it was because of the technology that we have now that he was able to say goodbye. My dad actually saw her heart monitor stopping, and was able to mourn with the rest of his siblings. Although I’m a digital native, I sometimes have a fear of technology, but when I see something like this happen, it makes me rethink my standing on the topic.
– Karen
Moving adventures– yeah, it was pretty touching.
Hey all!
So my family and I recently moved into a new house. And that’s when I realized something: moving is an awesome family bonding experience.
My dad insists on doing the move ourselves instead of hiring movers. I was alright with the plan until I realized that “ourselves” meant him and I, because really, my sister can barely lift her own backpack and my mom is the kind that would want to help, but is usually told to sit down two minutes later.
We started off in the afternoon, and went into the night. And by night, I mean 5:00 AM. My dad and I would load and unload the rented U-haul truck, and then my mom and sister were assigned to cleaning up the house itself. There was a lot of “HEY! OPEN THE DOOR! THIS IS REALLY REALLY HEAVY.” and other frustrated complaints. But then you get to around 2 in the morning, and you’re ridiculously grateful when your sister or mom grabs a heavy box from you to lend a hand. And then the family sits down for food at 3AM, consisting of a bag of bacon, microwaved corn and spring onion pancakes. I haven’t seen my parents eat bacon in years, so watching my dad gobble up a bowl was eye opening.
Now, my family isn’t the closest of families. I mean, yeah, we eat together, we watch TV together sometimes, but when it comes to getting out of the house and actually doing something together, that’s rare. And the move forced us to physically work with one another, and it was sort of beautiful to see. We really were pushed to our limits, and ached for days afterwards. But we did it.
A portion of the living room turned into a temporary storage area.
It’s been a little more than a month since we’ve moved, but there’s been a lot of improvising. I’m taking the basement, which needs a complete renovation, and my parents told me to take their room for now. Which means they moved their bed to the living room. It’s actually amazing having a bed in the living room, and more often than not, I end up watching TV on the bed instead of the couches.
Since I’ll be getting the basement mostly to myself, I also get to decide on how I want to decorate my living room! I’m thinking of making it into a woman cave, but I’m still trying to get ideas on how I want it to look. But I get a blank canvas to work with and I can’t wait!
So if you’re looking for a good bonding experience, I’d suggest moving. But then again, it could have gone the other way and ended in disaster. So maybe everyone should stick to laser tagging.
– Karen
Karen K. Lee 