Contingent Contemplation: Philophobia

I haven’t done one of these contingent contemplation posts in a while.

Philophobia is a thing I have. I don’t understand why it’s not a part of everyone.

Philophobia is the fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in or falling in love.

It’s a scary thing isn’t it? When you fall in love, you’re committing your emotions to someone. Everything that that person does will come to emotionally affect you, whether it’s big or small.

My family are people who I love, though I didn’t choose it I guess. But you can very much say that I also have a fear of emotional attachment to them. The thought of losing loved ones is never fun, and I sometimes wonder why I’m given a family, only to have them taken away from me some day down the road. But at the same time, that fear of love gets dispelled when you manage to forget the mortality of things and realize that although other people come and go, luckily enough, my family is here to stay. They’re here for me and love me unconditionally. I cannot help but do the same.

A few years ago I decided to get a pet. It was against my dad’s wishes, and I didn’t have the guts to tell him about the hamster I had bought. Then as I carried the little thing in a paper bag with her new cage at my side, I realized there’s no way I can keep this a secret. Our Hong Kong apartment was only so big, and my hamster will not go noticed. I phoned my dad, telling him of my purchase, hoping that telling him via the phone would lessen the shouting. Funnily enough, he didn’t shout. He wasn’t the happiest, and he worried about the hamster ruining our hygiene (I’m so sure that a 17 gram little hamster will bring the plague to our family. On second though, plagues were started by rats. Hmm.). A few months later, the hamster’s picture would replace my baby picture that he kept as his phone’s lock screen.

My hamster is probably the first and last pet I will ever get. Allergies aside, her passing away impacted me a lot. It’s weird, because I had willingly given my heart to her. And she took that little bit to the grave when she passed away two years later. I realized that I could never be brave enough to get that dog I’ve always wanted. My issue wasn’t with taking care of pets, but with their ultimate departure after you’ve committed to loving them.

Philophobia has followed me into relationships. All my prior relationships consisted of me keeping the guy some distance away. I wasn’t willing to get too involved emotionally, fearing that I will get the worst out of it. I over-think everything, and try to base my decisions on what will hurt me the least in the long run. It just wasn’t worth it to take the risk and ultimately feel the pain. That’s probably why none of them worked out because I always choose to end it, fearing developing the relationship any further.

But here I am, having fallen in love with a guy, and it’s funny because I don’t think I willingly choose to either. I think it probably has something to do with the whole “you’ll know it’s right when it’s right” thing because you can’t help it. Philophobia makes itself more known to me every day because I’ve let myself fall in love. He’s doing his best, but I’m not the most confident of myself relationship-wise. At times, you wonder if they like you just as much as you like them only to realize you can’t gauge that. So you go on to look for signs that can tell you, only to falter at points of doubt. You think of all the ways and reasons you can lose him. Then you let the fear ruin you.

Philophobia sucks. You’re unsure of your next steps, but at the same time you want to take them. And it almost feels like every step further, you feel yourself wanting to pull back because you know it’ll hurt if it goes wrong. But for the first time, I think it’ll be worth it. I just need to get Philophobia out of the picture.

Contingent Contemplation: Re-watching Star Wars

Ever feel like you were born too late?

Yes, I am talking about me not being able to feel all the hype that surrounded Star Wars way back then. Okay, maybe it was not too long ago, and there were more recent Star Wars films released, but what I am emphasizing on is the ones from the 1980s. I have watched these with my parents when I was younger, but re-watching them again this winter break made it clear to me: They are gold. Seriously, I am addicted and really sad that I cannot be there to get excited about its original release. Looking around, there is still lots of pieces of the Star Wars legacy that exist around me, but it is not the same. I really wish I could have been there.

So, moving on from what I cannot change, watching Star Wars again made me fall in love with Han Solo. With all movies, I usually fall in love with some actor or character and it happens that this time it is Han Solo. I thought I would like Luke more because he was one of the only characters I remembered from watching Star Wars all those years ago. However, Solo is just such a charming character (not to mention a badass) and I loved his relationship with Princess Leia. Again, too bad I cannot find many Han Solo fans around my age anywhere close by because I would definitely be rambling about him all day. Just like I do with a million other actors, such as Shia LaBeouf to name one. And of course, that is my segue into a slightly related topic. I also re-watched Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull just so I can see Harrison Ford. I have never paid much attention to him as my eyes are usually on Shia LaBeouf, but this time I kept my eyes glued on Harrison Ford. Amazingly (or not), I still see a lot of his Han Solo days in him and that delighted me lots. However, I still wish I could be a adoring fan girl who was obsessing over a 30 year old Harrison Ford. Being 18, I feel more appropriate obsessing over Han Solo instead of the current Harrison Ford.

I vaguely remember watching most of the Star Wars movies in my past but not enough to remember what it was really about, so it all seem a bit new to me. I did watch Star Wars in the way it is supposed to be seen (according to most people– and I definitely agree): IV, V, VI then I, II, III. Before starting my marathon, I honestly believed I would like the prequel a lot more because I was more used to modern films. However, after watching the fourth to the sixth ones, I was beginning to wonder if the prequel can live up to it. It did not in my opinion and I was slightly disappointed. Despite them being made with way less technology and had to make do with what they had back in the 1980s, George Lucas did a pretty good job at depicting an exciting galactic adventure in episodes IV-VI. At the same time, it was interesting to see the prequel, understand the circumstances for what followed and see how George Lucas directed films closer to my time. Now I want to read the books to get even more in depth…but, I am still not done reading Game of Thrones and my second term in university is about to start. Woes of a student.

While I was Boxing Day shopping today, I was on the lookout for Star Wars merchandise, namely Star Wars posters with Han Solo and Princess Leia. Of course, I failed miserably and only managed to find some posters with either the entire ensemble of all the Star Wars characters (which was pretty cool, but I did not feel like getting it) or ones that focused on Yoda (who is also really cool, but again, not what I was looking for). I also wanted this:

But the chances of me randomly finding that in a Vancouver shopping mall was definitely really low, so I gave up the search before it started. Okay, that is a lie because I went to custom t-shirt places just to check, but my suspicions came true. I also found moleskine Star Wars notebooks, but that was kind of lame. I guess if I wanted any good Star Wars merchandise, I would have to go online. Which I promptly did when I went home and found these:

Lightsaber chopsticks! I am asian so we eat with chopsticks everyday anyway! WANT WANT WANT!

Ugh I cannot believe I am getting into Star Wars now. I feel so behind…Oh well, at least I found something to do over my holiday. 🙂


Contingent Contemplation: Karen’s Notebook Graveyard

I recently bought a Moleskine notebook because I’ve been meaning to try them out,  and when I saw them on sale at Chapters, I decided to just get one. I originally wanted to get a Moleskine agenda, so I can finally keep my life in check… but then I realized what happens to all my notebooks/agendas. The end up somewhere I like to call Karen’s Graveyard for Notebooks. Seriously, sooner or later, they end up there.

I guess I am what you would call a pack rat. I usually keep stuff for sentimental reasons such as old ticket stubs, pictures and random assortments of menus, maps, etc. that I have collected (maybe I will share them here with you one day?). Countless times, I have tried to start a diary/journal, but they always end up being left off at some random point of time in the past. I think my best record for a diary was around three years? And throughout those three years, there has been only around twelve entries. A lot of the times, I still bring my journal with me on trips but I never find time to write in them so I usually decide to fill it in when I return home. However, I find that it does not capture what I wanted it to and I often forget mentioning some important points that I would have wanted to remember.

My Notebook Graveyard consists of not only different diaries that I have started, but an assortment of art notebooks, scrapbooks and ones where I just pasted inspirational things I found in magazines that I liked. The list goes on, and you would wonder how I still have the strength and energy to start so many new ones. But, what I’ve realized is that when I flip through them every now and then, it makes me happy to see that I at least took out some time to document certain parts of my life. I enjoy reading my diary and reminiscing back to fun times (and occasionally re-living sad times). It amuses me to see how I reacted or felt about events or things around me, and since time blurs old memories, my scrapbooks and notebooks sharpen them up again.

Some notebooks of mine...

So why all the different notebooks? What usually happens is I fall in love with a notebook, and cannot wait to find some use for it. Then I get tired of it, or it loses its appeal and I move on. Or I get lazy and decide to stop writing in it for a while, but then as time passes, I feel hesitant to rekindle my relationship with that notebook. I end up starting a new notebook, with wild dreams and fierce determination that this will be the one that I will use forever. But I guess you can guess where the story ends.

By now, I am pretty sure I will not be able to faithfully stick to one notebook. My Notebook Graveyard will continue to grow, but now worries, I pay them a visit every once in a while, and even drop off some extra words as my way of saying I still remember them. Plus, I will start new ones, so although it is going to be a pain having to read different ones to refer back to different times, it is a system that still works. I guess.

When I first started this blog, I had the foresight to see where it may be heading. I think for now, my record has been okay. Although there’s only a few posts so far, I actually have had some more saved as drafts on my computer or on wordpress itself. It is just that I sometimes leave them off somewhere and have not finished them yet, but then I realize that they are no longer relevant. It is now winter, and I have written a very long blog post while on my summer roadtrip to California, which I felt was not appropriate to post. The same can be said for several other neglected posts!

So, after recognizing all this through this post, it brings me back to the original problem that led me here in the first place: what should I do with my new notebook? :3 Hehe, yeah I know, we all know where it most probably is going to end up. BUT! I’m still very excited to actually start using it! Got any suggestions anyone? It’s a lined notebook, so definitely for writing? =)

My new notebook :3


Contingent Contemplation: Harry Potter- End of my childhood

It all ends here...=(

So a day ago, I watched the last Harry Potter movie– Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. It was amazing. I re-watched Part 1 the day before and I was pleased to find that the two movies connected seamlessly! I was prepared for a sobfest at the cinemas so I was armed with 2 packs of tissue!

Waiting in line was not as long and tedious as I thought it would be! My friend Edna lined up for the whole day! Well…from 11:50am til the midnight premiere! And I got in line at around 3:20ish in the afternoon, prepared to be super bored while waiting– or at least super cold! But time flew by! We started off with some board games, namely Taboo and then moving it on outside with Cranium as we were sure to get loud and rowdy while playing! We took trips to the food court, Safeway and basically walked around Oakridge Mall several times. Later on at night, we started a game of Wizard Ninja, with more and more random strangers joining in! Super fun! We took pictures with some of the fans who dressed up as characters from the movie, watched people freestyle rapping and invented new spells! =)

Josh and I trying to reenact the part where Harry and Ron goes for the Gryffindor sword

Cranium to pass the time =)


When it was finally time to enter the theater, everyone was super excited! We all sat down waiting for the movie to start, and of course, everyone applauded when it finally came on!

It occurred to me the night before the midnight screening that my childhood was coming to an end. I am now seventeen and when you’re seventeen, you feel like you have grown up and left your childish ways behind. I like to think that way anyway. Harry Potter was a connection to my childhood. It seemed like only yesterday when I read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (yes, I read the 3rd book first. I don’t know why, but I was like 9-10 back then so don’t judge). I remember pre-ordering the last book back in Hong Kong and then reading it in Thailand after picking it up and then realizing I had to leave for my family vacation the next day. I also remember thinking “At least there is still the movie! Harry Potter does NOT end yet!”. But now, what else is there to look forward to? I will always remember the magical adventures that was Harry Potter…but that is not the point! I do not want it to end! Its end seem to symbolized an end to a period of time in my life where I was happier, more innocent and more carefree. A time when I actually checked my mail for my Hogwarts acceptance letter when I was 11! (I never did get one when I was 11…obviously. But at that time, I did not give up hope! I remember rationalizing to myself I would get it next year because my birthday was late and Hogwarts started before I turned 11.)

Anyway, I do have a bit of hope left for Harry Potter as my friend Josh introduced me to Pottermore. It was created by J.K Rowling so that the story never ends! I seriously NEED something like that in my life! I am super excited to see what will be in store!

Oh and before I forget, here’s a excerpt of a dialogue from the FAKE HARRY POTTER fans ahead of us in line that day. (We were second in line, so despite being fake fans, they were there first. Which pisses you off more.)

Fake fan #1: Hey, which house is Cedric Diggory in?   (Me: *Facepalm*)
Her friend: Either in Gryffindor or Hufflepuff, I think?
Another friend: Yeah, in Gryffindor I’m pretty sure.
*All murmurs in agreement with an “OH YEAH!” from Fake Fan #1*

I wanted to kill myself.

Credits to Josh for Photos, thank-you William for helping me get the tickets! TY ADRIAN FOR GETTING ME A PAIR OF THE 3D GLASSES!! EKK! Thanks to everyone else who helped make the time fly by!

Just had to include this! Stolen off Tiffany, but I'm sure she stole it off somewhere too =P JKS THX!!! XD

Contingent comtemplation: Nostalgia- Pokemon

I walked into McDonalds today to get an iced coffee…but then I saw the Happy Meal display. They were giving out Pokemon figurines! Honestly, I could not care less about the Liv Dolls that were also available. I decided my new goal is to collect all the Pokemon that they give out =) The two legendary Pokemon, Reshiram and Zekrom, really caught my eye. Being the chicken I was, I made my sister buy the happy meal so I did not look like an overgrown idiot. She came back with the tray and the toy that came with the meal was a Tepig. Real cute. But not a legendary Pokemon. I thought about going up to the counter and initiating a Pokemon trade with the McDonald employee. But that would probably make me look like a huge dork…so I begged my sister to return to the counter and see what else they had. I went with her, casually watching them bring out more Pokemon and when they brought out Zekrom, I kind of grabbed it saying “We’ll have this one, thank you”. So much for not looking weird.

My happy meal ^^ Chicken Mcnuggets a tribute to Amir.

Anyway, that is what really got me thinking back to when I was about ten? Spending all my allowance on Pokemon cards, trading with my friends, bragging about certain ones with high hps, playing all the games. After the Pokemon card phase came the Yu-Gi-Oh phase. Watching the shows, buying the cards… If only I could have the money I wasted on them now– I would probably have a small fortune. But I guess that is how kids are…mindlessly spending money. But to be honest, we probably still are like that. I know I buy more junk than necessary. I guess collecting the happy meal toy would be an example. Oh…and my new WoW card collection. It’s amazing how obsessions can take over you…and your wallet. But to be fair, I really wanted a WoW loot card. Still have not gotten one yet, but I think I gave up.

Anyone want to buy these of me? Or just take them…they’re not good for me.

Maybe a new goal of mine would be to stop wasting moolah on totally stupid things. I look back and seriously could have done without the cards. Or maybe not because that would have made a elementary school outcast or something. ARGH! Society is so complicated.